#me #indierthanthou #sadpanda
“She is under my arm; I am under her skin.”
I remember our spinster party with Journey. This should be the hymn of every young living soul out there. This or Saola. Or both. Damnit. This song. Those lyrics. That part. UGH.
o: i went jogging with h today.
o: i came to his house.
o: at first we were running.
o: then we were walking.
o: then h carried me.
h: you should write a book about it.
o: exactly, in the book store, next to i’s ‘philosophy’ and z’s ‘everything i know about weed’ will be o’s ‘everything you shouldn’t do in potential relationships which i have done and it came out terribly’
Is this how’s it going to be from now on? Infinite laziness and casual panic attacks? I should learn to plan my time better.
o: foals are playing
o: they’re playing foals
o: let’s go inside, they’re playing foals!
o: oh, they’ve switched the song
o: foals aren’t playing, let’s go back outside.
h: is it that he said he was from berlin going to the bar mars, or that he was from mars going to the bar berlin?
not all books. but some really are.
Lately I’ve been feeling dead a lot. I mean just going with the flow, not putting any effort into anything not being motivated to do, well, anything. at all. And what helped me once was a book about morphine. I think now that book’d leave me traumatized for several reasons provoked by several once close acquaintances of mine.
What I owe to literature and, more likely, exams is that I’ve realized how much I love my home town. (god, i’ve only had business with lithuanian recently, it’s a struggle to get my thoughts through in english). At first I thought yeah, I’m a city person. Then I went to Warsaw and saw all the horrible skyscrapers and metal and glass constructions which nearly got me claustrophobic.
Spending five days in a building with 120 people can drive you crazy. The only outside time is in the smoking area with at least 10 people there all the time. No alone time with 10 people in your bedroom. Even when you go to sleep there’s still music playing in the common area. The relieving moment when there were only two of us left in the beautiful old town of Warsaw. And the moment when we got back to our room with two sleeping Italians, listening to a playlist of Lumineers and Fleet Foxes while reading comic books in ikea bedding, with ikea lighting, on ikea furniture and that quiet quiet sound of good music. It was… magic? I felt good. I felt on vacation, I actually felt pretty motivated again. Then I went to that philology shit. THERE I realized, that I couldn’t care less about village life, LEEDS, GLASGOW, LONDON PLEAAAAAASE. And now I just picked up a book. Žvėrynas - Užupis. Even the name says a lot. Those are my two most favorite places in Vilnius. I’m a regular visitor there. And, usually, I am between the two. Or visit both of them. And there’s another thing I can relate with the name, but let it be between me and the person this concerns. But anywho, I was reading this book that pretty much talks about Vilnius 15 years ago. But it hasn’t changed at all. It brings back so much memories from this summer and summers before that and I just have to get my thoughts in place. SO, I start writing. And so far, it works. : )
Another thing I have to put down on cyber paper is that I really want to talk about my future plan dilemma with a person, that made a promise to talk to me about it. I actually think I miss him. Which is pretty weird. What puzzles me is… why do I get into such close connection with guys? I mean, I feel empathy for girls, but rarely I consider them as closer friends than most guys. And I don’t even feel comfortable talking to them about reaaaally personal issues. I guess it’s because they, just as me, tend to overreact.
belle of the ball on Flickr.
I need to do something creative. I need spring.
Damn this place is pretty dead. I should come back with a giant post tomorrow. Although, stuff changes so rapidly in my life recently I don’t even know what to write. There was Warsaw that helped me think more about myself and where I stand in life and then there was back to school with the philology thing which just completely pissed me off. And then there was a chat with my favorite classmate which made me think about myself again. Damn, I wonder if he does that on purpose or is it just placebo I get off of him?
I see so much irony in how out of the four people involved in complete craziness and idiotic shenanigans the two that were completely unrelated to each other now somehow came to being the closest. This I wouldn’t have noticed if I were in love. NOW I can’t get my self to do important stuff because I can’t stop thinking if my goddamn realizations about the fucking four are legit or not. Now it turns out that probably I was never close to the two. Okay, or maybe, extroverted people aren’t always as open as they seem. Probably, they’re even more complex than the quiet ones. The quiet ones are happy if they find a close friend/lover they can talk stuff over with. The extroverts don’t really completely trust people, do they? Or is it that they just pretend to be all outgoing?.. Or is that outgoingness just a mask?Then where am I in all of this?? Introverted or extroverted?
Another clearly funny thing about this situation is how people relay on each other. So here we are completely unrelated, yet the closest of the four. And now I’m probably never going to find out if I was right.
I’m guessing more stuff than it should goes through my head now. Caring about everyone and questioning my own life choices. From an outfit I chose to wore today to holiday trips, to actual life choices concerning future and survival without the person, I now understand I’m insanely happy to have. I guess, I always understood that. And that’s fairly awesome. Really, really awesome.
I should use these thoughts on my exam speech. Not on this. But it’s nice to get my thoughts together from time to time. And if we’ve come to this there is something that I miss and that I wish I’d had. BUT, it’s his own will, I guess. And that is something strange and now the cycle starts again, and now I’m thinking of taking a nap.
before my blog turns into a crazed Beatles story/comic/picture/ILOVEGEORGE fan page, I’d like to write something. I’ve been willing to write something for a while now but I don’t have any material for this. I guess, being busy, going with the flow and not having time to think is in a way good. But in a way it isn’t. I’ve stopped keeping track of the people I’m close with so I guess somehow that leaves none. And it’s strange how some things happen that sort of should get you closer to a person but it sort of works in a different way, even though, at first, it seems that it happened and you’ve got a person who can trust you and who you can trust forever.
Another thing, I just remembered, is people, who you try to give the most you can and they just pay you back with… nothing. I’m not even sure if I really care because I care or because I’m entitled to. I don’t really care. I care for the person, not for if he’ll finish school or not. That’d be the case. Now how should I pass it on to be heard and understood. That I believe is the impossible case.
And I’ve just shortened the distance between a person and just like that 1/6b became special.
Also, one of my photos got on weheartit and now has 81 notes on tumblr, apparently. It’s not even my best one. I have more coming up, I just have to sort those bitches out.